Camping out in my head to escape the storms below.
Leaving my boyfriend of 3 years was one of the hardest conscious decisions I’ve ever had the displeasure of making. We were over-all good to each other, happy some days, un-happy many others. Both dealing with personal struggles and doing our best to support each other in the ways we knew best. We had a dog. We were loyal, best friends even, but things weren’t right. We both knew it for some time I believe, but nonetheless we trampled onward.
It wasn’t until my friends wedding when we were having a fight in the parking lot of the reception that it hit me that I was living solely off of another persons emotions and wants. Don’t get me wrong, being considerate of others and striving to make the ones you love happy is important but I had a full blow case of “miss dependent.” My wants were my last concern, my happiness? Not even a thought. I spent my teen years learning self love and growing independent. I was the epitome of “girl power.” That was demolished in three measly years. I was unrecognizable to myself. I killed the 19 year old girl I loved so much. The girl who swore she would never let a person ruin her.
That was the first time I stepped out of his truck and put my needs and my wants before his. He wanted to leave the wedding (and did) while I stayed and had one hell of a time.
Later that evening I was having a conversation with one of the brightest, most beautiful ladies I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting and she said something so simple yet so meaningful to me: “You deserve better.” I teared up on the spot. Never in my life had someone sat me down and reminded me of my worth. She re-kindled a spark in me that I will likely never lose again.
Relationships, love, they aren’t everything. I was brainwashed into the idea that my life would not be satisfactory until I had someone to share it with. It’s true to an extent, shared joy is an amazing experience and definitely something most humans desire but you don’t need another person by your side in order to validate yourself or your life. I’m not saying avoid relationships entirely. If you love someone and they love you, go for it! But please never allow yourself to lose sight of your own worth for the sake of a relationship or another person. We must be aware of situations and be willing to step away when they no longer serve or benefit us.
This is one of the most important realizations I’ve made in my adult life and I’m determined to help others see their worth as well.
This is long, You’ve been warned.
I never knew the point of loving until I saw your smile. Your voice guided me to comfort. Your laughter reminiscent, soft like a child. How could you simply walk away, I guess it’s easier to let go than try. You’ll forever be my long lost home, the apple of my eye.
Painting metal images with words because my heart can see no color. Mending neglected heart strings with coffee because feelings left me bitter.
You mapped routes in my heart I’ll likely never discover. You left my body to rot in search of some place better. Aug 14
I can’t seem to understand why your voice won’t leave my head or how this knot got lodged in my throat. I’ve been croaking out unsaid “I love you’s” in attempts to make up for the years I sat silent. I am bored of boys dishing compliments in exchange for a taste of my mouth. My heart beats hollow thumps and my fingers ache for your skin.